Recappers love to talk. And love to hear themselves talk. Trouble is, they don’t know when to STOP talking. Or worse, don’t know HOW to stop talking. “Alright, well thanks again. Ya know, I just really appreciate you listening about how (INSERT. ENTIRE. CONVERSATION. OVER. AGAIN.)”
The… Slow… Talker…
Never…Quite…Gets…To…The… Point that they’re also probably a slow back-texter.
The Wizzer is a friend that feels overly comfortable with you. They’re often your best friend. But does that make it okay? And what about when the Wizzer becomes…
Even if YOU called The Stinker, why would they answer the phone on the toilet? Pretty much anything can wait. ANYTHING! Last thing I want to remember while learning that my Grandfather died, was that I was also passing a hot snake.
Drivers can be fun. They can be mid story about a sermon you missed, or the kids’ first baseball game, then BLAM!!! “DAMMIT!!! What in the hell are you doing?!?!?!? Sonofabitchmother****er!!!!!! How many times?!?!?!? How many times?!?!?!?… Sorry, not you. ****in’ ***holes. Okay, now what was I saying?”
The Close Talker aka The Heavy Breather
This person is always too close to the voice receptor. Unless you’re at a rock concert, a Close Talker is undoubtedly always annoying. But, in many cases, does pair well with…
“Can you hear me now? Hello?!, are you still there? Er… (Did we get disconnected? Did I…Did they….? … Hello?!?!)” Imagine if they were on the phone with…
The Whisperer aka Mumbles
Mumbles flat out doesn’t have the confidence to enunciate over the phone. Mumbles can turn any innocent phone conversation back into a Verizon scenario.
Ummmm, The one who can’t seem to find an answer. The indecisive one. Phone calls with The Thinker involve too many ums, hmms, and extended I’s. They absolutely can’t survive a phone call with…
An Interrupter is a terrible phone companion with Thinkers and Whisperers. Little is ever accomplished. The Thinker spends the rest of the day analyzing the conversation while the Interrupter evolves into…
He’s the worst. He is arrogant and self-centered. And too busy to not always be, excessively ambidextrous. Speakerphone Guy wants to appear like he’s too busy (and too important), that he can’t possibly afford to stop obsessively multi-tasking, ever. SPG can be identified by the Bluetooth ear thingy, and his over-sized, obnoxious phone holster.
Like The Whizzer there has to be a certain comfort-level to end up on the phone with an Eater. Unless you’re in customer service, then it’s every phone call.
The Passive-Aggressive Insulter aka The Guilt Tripper
Usually a family member, and probably your Mother-in-Law. This person forcibly brings skeletons into your conversations, over and over, and over again.
The “I Love You More” Spouse
Because STFU, you’re not in high school anymore.
These poor bastards. We’re the most obnoxious of them all. Why? Well, because we’re simply a disgusting culmination of them all. And we’re guilty as charged.
Here is a comic by the always bitter TheGladStork.com, and the reason why your friends stopped calling you after you had kids. Because friends don’t let friends, have kids. (Or something like that.)
* Parents are often confused with Drivers because home-rage is similar to road-rage. The same stupid shit seemingly occurs over and over again, like no one can hear your screams.