Types of Calls You’d Rather Just Text Back

The Recapper 

Recappers love to talk. And love to hear themselves talk. Trouble is, they don’t know when to STOP talking. Or worse, don’t know HOW to stop talking. “Alright, well thanks again. Ya know, I just really appreciate you listening about how (INSERT. ENTIRE. CONVERSATION. OVER. AGAIN.)”

The… Slow… Talker…

Never…Quite…Gets…To…The… Point that they’re also probably a slow back-texter.

The Wizzer

The Wizzer is a friend that feels overly comfortable with you. They’re often your best friend. But does that make it okay? And what about when the Wizzer becomes…

The Stinker

Even if YOU called The Stinker, why would they answer the phone on the toilet? Pretty much anything can wait. ANYTHING! Last thing I want to remember while learning that my Grandfather died, was that I was also passing a hot snake.

The Driver*

Drivers can be fun. They can be mid story about a sermon you missed, or the kids’ first baseball game, then BLAM!!! “DAMMIT!!! What in the hell are you doing?!?!?!? Sonofabitchmother****er!!!!!! How many times?!?!?!? How many times?!?!?!?… Sorry, not you. ****in’ ***holes. Okay, now what was I saying?”  

The Close Talker aka The Heavy Breather

This person is always too close to the voice receptor. Unless you’re at a rock concert, a Close Talker is undoubtedly always annoying. But, in many cases, does pair well with…

The Verizon

“Can you hear me now? Hello?!, are you still there? Er… (Did we get disconnected? Did I…Did they….? … Hello?!?!)” Imagine if they were on the phone with…

The Whisperer aka Mumbles

Mumbles flat out doesn’t have the confidence to enunciate over the phone. Mumbles can turn any innocent phone conversation back into a Verizon scenario.

The Thinker

Ummmm, The one who can’t seem to find an answer. The indecisive one. Phone calls with The Thinker involve too many ums, hmms, and extended I’s. They absolutely can’t survive a phone call with…

The Interrupter

An Interrupter is a terrible phone companion with Thinkers and Whisperers. Little is ever accomplished. The Thinker spends the rest of the day analyzing the conversation while the Interrupter evolves into…

Speakerphone Guy

He’s the worst. He is arrogant and self-centered. And too busy to not always be, excessively ambidextrous. Speakerphone Guy wants to appear like he’s too busy (and too important), that he can’t possibly afford to stop obsessively multi-tasking, ever. SPG can be identified by the Bluetooth ear thingy, and his over-sized, obnoxious phone holster.

The Eater

Like The Whizzer there has to be a certain comfort-level to end up on the phone with an Eater. Unless you’re in customer service, then it’s every phone call.

The Passive-Aggressive Insulter aka The Guilt Tripper

Usually a family member, and probably your Mother-in-Law. This person forcibly brings skeletons into your conversations, over and over, and over again.

The “I Love You More” Spouse

Because STFU, you’re not in high school anymore.

The Parent

These poor bastards. We’re the most obnoxious of them all. Why? Well, because we’re simply a disgusting culmination of them all. And we’re guilty as charged.

Here is a comic by the always bitter TheGladStork.com, and the reason why your friends stopped calling you after you had kids. Because friends don’t let friends, have kids. (Or something like that.) 


* Parents are often confused with Drivers because home-rage is similar to road-rage. The same stupid shit seemingly occurs over and over again, like no one can hear your screams. 


A Thank You to Pedi-Derm Bum Paste

I’m ashamed I haven’t updated here on the actual blog in quite some time. Things have been busy and life has just gotten in the way. But today, I felt the need to publicly share a product that has kept us diaper rash free for several months.

Pedi-Derm Bum Paste™ not only prevents diaper rash like its competitors. But it truly does heal diaper rash, and it heals it quickly!

On Sunday our 18-month old had some diaper rash coming on, that inevitably would have turned nasty. Pedi-Derm Bum Paste had been working so well we hadn’t used it in awhile. Well, within 4 hours of application her diaper rash was 100% gone.  Thanks Pedi-Derm Bum Paste!!! The best part is that we don’t have to use it too often, so the tub lasts a very long time.

Please like them on Facebook and/or follow them on Twitter. Or even better, order a tub for your family and see for yourself. 4 ounces of Pedi-Derm Bum Paste goes a very long way. You won’t regret it!

Thanks for reading.


We Request Your Presence, Not Presents

Even something as simple as giving a birthday card fills me with quite a bit of anxiety. Caused by fear of the whole social interaction surrounding it. Not knowing how to act, or react. We put ourselves out there agreeing to such terms. Offering someone a small piece of yourself, although in gift-form. What if they reject it? Or worse, what if they reject you? Or even worse than that, what if they fake it?

“Faking it, it’s not just for the bedroom anymore!”

Continue reading We Request Your Presence, Not Presents

Consider Giving “Up” a Try

If you haven’t seen the movie “Up” you should make the time. It’s suitable for all ages, unlike Caillou, which is suitable for no ages.

And If you still haven’t visited The Glad Stork, you should probably just-give-up and do that, too. Like Caillou, The Glad Stork is also unsuitable for all ages.

Well, unless you like toilets.

This comic features a poorly drawn version of Matt from “Dad on a Wire” and one of his daughters. Give his blog a read if you’re so inclined! Or go watch the first 10 minutes of “Up” and have yourself a good cry.
This comic features a poorly drawn version of Matt from “Dad on a Wire” and one of his daughters. Give his blog a read if you’re so inclined! Or go watch the first 10 minutes of “Up” and have yourself a good cry.

Eighteen Things That Suggest Your Toddler Is a Superhero

1. Similar to Magneto, toddlers utilize foreign substances (like stickers, maple syrup, ice cream, and boogers) to attract unknown matter.

Toddler Magneto

2. You often find toddlers dressed like superheroes. Tight pants, weird-looking shoes, and mismatched headbands and/or masks. Or just underwear.


3. Toddlers contain a power that slowly weakens their enemies.

Incessantly “Asking Why?”


4. Toddlers possess the ability to see at night. Because…

Night. Lights. Everywhere.

Continue reading Eighteen Things That Suggest Your Toddler Is a Superhero

Socratic Parenting: Answering Questions with Questions

The Socratic Method: Answering a question with a question.

Socratic Method: a form of inquiry and discussion between individuals, based on asking and answering questions to stimulate critical thinking and to illuminate ideas.

  • Great for raising children and mentoring employees.
  • Horrible for communicating with spouses, friends, and colleagues.
  • Completely useless when ending a blog post.*

I bring this topic up as a follow-up to Can I Be a Father if I’m a Liar?’. After some mild pondering I consulted Buddha Google about answering a question with a question (a quanswer). A mentoring method that I’ve used quite frequently.

Here’s a screenshot of what quickly jumped out:



Continue reading Socratic Parenting: Answering Questions with Questions

How Can I Be a Father if I’m a Liar?

How can you be a father if you’re NOT a liar? For starters, honesty doesn’t occupy the bed. But that’s another story.

On April 10th “how can i be a father if i’m a liar” was used as a search term that directed some poor soul here to DOAW.com.

He possibly landed on this post, about stealing candy. For which I’m certain proved to be of no help. Or possibly he found the one about parents lying to their friends. Damn, he may have even stumbled across the most recent one, about outcome-based praise.

Why do one-third of my blog posts have something to do with lying? Is it because I’m a liar? Yes… And because you’re a liar, too.

Continue reading How Can I Be a Father if I’m a Liar?


The Piggy Bank Caper

Did I (unknowingly) teach my oldest daughter to steal?

The other day a boy from our local High School was going door-to-door with one of those obnoxious fundraisers for his baseball team. This happens often in our suburban neighborhood. I usually feel obligated to help out. Not because I know one day, my two daughters will likely be in those same shoes. But more importantly – I feel inclined to help out the kids that are doing their own work. NOT THE PARENTS. I despise when parents take over these fundraisers for their kids – pushing the responsibility onto their family, friends, and co-workers. And now, these solicitations are popping up all over Facebook. Maybe I’m too old-fashioned. But there’s supposed to be a level of responsibility taught, in addition to funds collected. I write a lot about parental obligations and sending mixed messages to our children. I’m certainly not perfect – but don’t go out of your way to help your children cheat. If there’s a certain dollar amount they need to attain. Then teach a man to fish – so to speak.

Continue reading The Piggy Bank Caper

We All Fail – We Don’t Have to Lie About It

I dread the day my (4-year-old) daughter learns that I don’t like all her drawings. It’s something I’ll soon have to tell her.

Dad’s face when … all day.

That drawing above is good for her age, I suppose. But not everything we do is good or deserving of celebration. Too often, we tell our kids they’ve done great work, when they haven’t. We’re responsible for shaping our children’s minds; Teaching them insights; And what it means to be responsible adults. We educate them. We teach them love – and sometimes hatred. But we rarely teach them HOW TO FAIL; or rather, how to COPE with failure. Children need to understand it’s okay to be a winner and a loser. We are ALL both… some of the time. There’s no reason to lie about it.

Children must learn to lose with grace – so they can win with class.

They must learn to follow – so that they can learn HOW to lead.

Continue reading We All Fail – We Don’t Have to Lie About It

The Complete Fool’s Guide to Welcoming Home Your New Baby

lena fist pumpWelcome to the club of selfless-masochism. Where we scar our minds and bodies – in order to create a newer and better version of ourselves. Our offspring. The light of our lives. Our cuddly little bundles of joy. They steal years from our lives, while selfishly adding them to their own.

The Complete Fool’s Guide to Welcoming Home Your New Baby

Congratulations! So you are, or are soon to be a new dad. Assuming it’s too late for you to run away – here are some, somewhat tested, and not really proven methods of welcoming home your wonderful, shitty new addition to the family. Follow these simple instructions, and you’ll have the entire family eating out of the palm of your hand – and feeding off your man breast.

Continue reading The Complete Fool’s Guide to Welcoming Home Your New Baby